19 January 2011
And in those times of trouble When you are most alone The memory of love will bring you home. John Denver
It's been 11 years and one day since I last heard my Mother say "I love You". In fact, those were the last words she ever said to me the evening before she unexpectedly died. It is the memory of her love and those last words that carry me through my days. Those words echo in my heart when I feel the world has turned away. They ring in my ears and serve to remind me that wherever I am I am nothing if not loved. Love carries on and transcends time and physical place. My mother was not perfect - she had her faults - and her demons. Yet despite an early childhood spent in displaced persons camps in Poland and Germany right after WWII she embraced the world around her with compassion and grace along with an abundance of optimism. She was beautiful inside and out - she was humble - she was kind - she was giving. I am truly blessed that she was my Mother and that 'those' were the last words we spoke to each other.
The greatest gift my Mother gave me aside from her wit, her charm (I hope) and her nose- was her love. Or more specifically - her fearlessness towards love. She was not afraid to tell the people in her life that she loved and cared for them. She went out on a limb - she threw away all caution - she jumped right in - despite the pain that might follow - she LOVED with everything she had and did so generously. She may have feared rejection (she was, after all, an actress) but she didn't let the fear prevent her from expressing her feelings and demonstrating her love. She not only said "I Love You" she showed it. Maybe that scared some people - I'm sure at times in my troubled youth it scared me - but she persevered. She hugged, she held, and she cried right along with you if you needed her. She was supportive, encouraging and completely unconditional with her love. I say this not just as her daughter - but I've been told by those who knew her as an adult and a contemporary. She meant LOVE and she was LOVE.
I do my best to carry her lessons with me on a daily basis. Although it took me years of reckless behaviour to fully grasp Her kind of Love luckily my Mother bore witness and, hopefully, truly felt my love. My Dad tells me that she did. So if I love you - I say it. I fear nothing - except rejection - yet still I persevere. I mean it, too. I mean it forever. I mean it unconditionally. Once you have entered my heart there is no escaping. There are those I've not heard from in years - but if they were to reach out - they would find my open arms. I learned all this from my Mother. Love is forever and it will bring you home.
Thanks for tuning in....Until next time....CHEERS!